I am most definitely going through the stages of grief.
I have been in total denial for the past three months. Almost every night I go to bed thinking and praying that I would wake up “normal.”
Yesterday I was completely mourning the loss of my old self, my old life. I couldn’t get over the fact that I might never be able to hike 12 miles in one day, go rafting and do the most extreme ariel high ropes course like I did with Carl this summer on our first vacation together. I can’t even do a 1 pushup. I think I cried about 10 different times. Every time someone asked me how I was doing at church, open the flood gates, because the tears came bounding down.
Yet in the midst of my tears I can choose to be thankful. It is a deep gratitude that no matter what this life brings me, I will be climbing and hiking when Jesus comes back.
And my life is just a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow. Though these might seem like enormous trials, it is temporary compared to eternity.
I am choosing to be thankful today and therefore it is a good day.
I am strong.
I am determined.
I work very hard to achieve what I want when I want it.
These past few months I have been wrestling with my idol of independence. I like to do things without any help. I don’t like asking and I surely don’t like to admit that I can’t do something. And wouldn’t you know it, God has humbled me on the most basic tasks. He didn’t wait until I was 85 and needed my drivers license taken away. He did it with simple things. Most of the time, I can’t open a can, knock on doors, carry or grab heavy objects. My fingers don’t work very well, they are swollen and riddled with pain for most of the night. Once I get up and get moving I don’t so much feel pain unless I am actually using my fingers.
So again I am humbled knowing that it is my weakness that God uses me. He will strip away my idols one at a time.
I am still a work in progress and sanctification is a life long process.
And some days God really blows me away. I received this gift tonight.
Our can opener bit the dust.
Do I order an electric one because I can’t open a can by myself or buy a manual and make my children open all the cans for me?
Titus: Silas stop being so wild.
Silas: I can’t help it, I was made this way.